Believing that it is well, even if.

These last few weeks have been incredibly hard at times. For the past four years, I have basically lived in Beaver Falls. I went to college there and spent 9 of 12 months there. I grew attached to the little town-- the local coffee shops and local restaurants. I grew attached to the people who lived there.

And since I was a sophomore in college, my plan was to move to Alabama after graduation. Until the last semester of my senior year. In about February/ March, I felt like I was being called by God to stay in the Beaver County area. And friends, believe me, I would not choose the snow and winter weather if I did not truly feel that it was the leading of the Holy Spirit. However, as I was nearing the end of my college career, nothing in Beaver County opened up.

I was so confused. I was praying about the will of God. My church was praying for the will of God. Some of my professors were praying for the will of God. I thought that I heard God loud and clear. I thought I heard him speak that I was to stay in Beaver County. I spent the three days before graduation crying. I spent one night sobbing for an hour and questioning God and what he was speaking to me. I kept trying to tell myself that "And if not, He is still good," but my heart sometimes had a hard time clinging to that truth. So, I packed up and moved all of my things back home.

And I was heartbroken. I spent days crying. I spent days questioning God. It felt like my heart refused to be comforted. I knew the truth that God has a good and perfect plan for my life. I knew that He was going to work everything out for my good. I knew that He is good all the time even when it doesn't feel good. But still, I wondered how in the world people were able to say "it is well with their soul" when their lives felt like they were flipped upside down. 

I wanted to say that it was well with my soul. But it wasn't. I was heartbroken. I felt so confused. I didn't understand and quite frankly, I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to keep doing job interviews. I was heartbroken, but I had to put on the ballet flats that give me perpetual blisters on my heels and pretend like I was okay and excited to be back in my home area. I cried during worship on Sunday morning in church. Because my heart was broken that I wasn't at the church that became my family. Because I was sitting alone and only three people even acknowledged that I was there. I cried because I was surrounded by a lot of people that I didn't know, a handful of people that no longer acknowledged that I existed or they no longer "liked" me, and I felt very, very alone.

In the week that I came home, I had an interview on Monday, one on Tuesday, and a second interview for the Monday interview on Thursday. And I was offered a job on Friday which also happened to be my 22nd birthday. I haven't accepted that job just yet, but I most likely will come this Wednesday. I should have been ecstatic. I should be ecstatic. But I am still nursing the wound of my hurting and confused heart.

But here's the difference.

I stopped asking God why not. I stopped asking how I am going to get back to Beaver County ASAP and I started asking God why I am back home. I started asking him what His purpose is for me. What gifts he has placed in me and how I can learn to cultivate and use them the way he intended me to. I started asking him to teach me what it means for it to be well with my soul. And while I do not have any answer to that question yet, I will tell you this:

I have stopped crying. I keep hearing the songs Thy Will and Even If, and all I know is that those lyrics in those songs are the very cries of my heart.

 I have come to a place where I am learning to accept that I am here for a little while-- I learning to be okay with the waiting process that I am in. I am believing that it is well with my soul. Even if it doesn't feel like it is well.