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An open letter about my anxiety

To whoever is reading this, I want to take a second and explain what my anxiety does and what it feels like. Before I start, you should know that anxiety affects people differently and just because anxiety affects me in this way does not mean that it is affecting your loved one or you in the same way. First, my anxiety causes me to overthink and over analyze every single thing. From the words I’m looking at on my screen to wondering why I’m right handed and so are you but yet our handwriting is different (Why is that?). Anxiety makes it so that my brain is never ever quiet. It never shuts up no matter how much I beg it to. Overthinking and over analyzing everything is exhausting and I wish I could stop doing it. But it’s like my brain becomes obsessed with figuring out an answer. So I ask questions that annoy people I love and I search google until I have clicked every link on the first 3-5 search pages. Second, anxiety ruins my relationships with people I love and care about the...
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anxiety lies.

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Anxiety sucks. Anxiety makes me question the people I love the most. Anxiety makes it so I cannot shut my brain off. Anxiety affects my relationships. Anxiety makes me feel like an awful person. Anxiety makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Anxiety makes me feel like I am drowning in my own thoughts Anxiety tells me that the stupid thing I said 5 years ago is still remembered and thought about. Anxiety tells me that panic is normal. Anxiety tells me to keep quiet and not talk about what’s going on inside my head. Anxiety tells me that I’m having a heart attack when it’s just a panic attack. Anxiety tells me insominia is normal and that everyone has nights they can’t fall asleep until 2 or 5am. Anxiety told me that I can’t get help for the anxiety for years. Anxiety tells me that people are judging me. Anxiety tells me that I am too much. Anxiety tells me that I am not enough. Anxiety tells me that I am hard to love. Anxiety tells ...
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What it feels like to just be held by God.

This is going to be a short post. I want to tell someone what I am feeling but I didn't know who to tell, so I will tell you, dear reader. This morning in church I went to the altar. Broken and tired. I decided to step into surrender even though I'm not even sure I know how to surrender. But I think I am feeling what it feels like to just be held by God. There's something different in my soul. I don't really know what it is but it feels familiar.  It kind of feels like my soul is at home within itself. It kind of feels like a fuzzy blanket wrapped around my soul. Also kind of like waking up on a warm summer morning around 10am, rested and refreshed. But it also feels like a cozy fall evening with fall scented candles and a fire in the fire place. But it also feels like I need a hug. Or maybe it feels like I am being hugged. In my soul. It feels like being curled up with your favorite book and your favorite hot tea on a cold winter night. It feels like being loved an...
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Vulnerability and a New Church.

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Hi sweet friends, I know that it has been a while. However, I have been in a season of changing winds. The last time I shared something from a very deep place within my heart, I was a mess (click  here  to read that post). I was in a deep place of hurt and confusion. I left that post on a positive note. However, the next couple of weeks were not as positive as I was hoping that they would be. I continued to cry during church and I continued to feel alone while at that church. The first Sunday in June, I did get to go visit my church in Beaver County. But I also cried that day. Because I did not want to leave. I did not want to drive back to Blair County where I would continue to feel alone. The Sunday I visited my church, a wonderful, strong woman of faith wrapped her arms around me and spoke truth and encouragement over me. She told me that her mom said God revealed to her that I had to go back to Blair County so that God could show me that His grace is sufficient...
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On people leaving, building walls, and faith over fear.

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I learned a very painful lesson when I was a very young age: people will leave you. In one way or another. people will leave. Most of the time it is intended and other times, it just happens. People will walk out of your life without any rhyme or reason or death will creep in. Either way, people will leave. My mom left my dad when I was only five years old. And in a sense, my dad left my mom when he moved on and found my step mom. Or at least that is what six year old me perceived. One of my childhood best friends moved to Tennessee when I was about eight years old. When I was 11 my great-grandfather passed away-- he was my most favorite family member. And he still is to this day. I lost several people I used to call my best friends over my middle and high school years.  I had people who I trusted with everything decide to cut ties and walk away from me. When I was 16 I lost my great-grandmother who was and still is my second favorite famil...
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Learning to love "the others."

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Last night I was driving home from my mom's house and as I was sitting at a red light a guy pulling a wagon of soda cans was walking on the sidewalk. He looked a little rough around the edges and parts of the area my mom lives in can be "sketchy." I laid my hand over the lock button in my car. And I accidentally made eye contact with this man... I could see the hurt in his eyes. The longing of wanting to be financially stable enough that he wasn't turning in soda cans for money. That he was tired of getting glares from people. And suddenly my heart was hit. I took my hand off the lock. I didn't lock my doors. I mentally said to myself, "How dare you? You don't lnow anything about this man. You have absolutely no right to judge him." He continued on his way and my light turned green. We departed ways and will probably never see each other again. But I couldn't get the expression in his eyes out of my head. The gears in my head started to t...
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Believing that it is well, even if.

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These last few weeks have been incredibly hard at times. For the past four years, I have basically lived in Beaver Falls. I went to college there and spent 9 of 12 months there. I grew attached to the little town-- the local coffee shops and local restaurants. I grew attached to the people who lived there. And since I was a sophomore in college, my plan was to move to Alabama after graduation. Until the last semester of my senior year. In about February/ March, I felt like I was being called by God to stay in the Beaver County area. And friends, believe me, I would not choose the snow and winter weather if I did not truly feel that it was the leading of the Holy Spirit. However, as I was nearing the end of my college career, nothing in Beaver County opened up. I was so confused. I was praying about the will of God. My church was praying for the will of God. Some of my professors were praying for the will of God. I thought that I heard God loud and clear. I thought I heard h...
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