On people leaving, building walls, and faith over fear.

I learned a very painful lesson when I was a very young age: people will leave you. In one way or another. people will leave. Most of the time it is intended and other times, it just happens. People will walk out of your life without any rhyme or reason or death will creep in. Either way, people will leave.

My mom left my dad when I was only five years old. And in a sense, my dad left my mom when he moved on and found my step mom. Or at least that is what six year old me perceived.

One of my childhood best friends moved to Tennessee when I was about eight years old. When I was 11 my great-grandfather passed away-- he was my most favorite family member. And he still is to this day. I lost several people I used to call my best friends over my middle and high school years. 

I had people who I trusted with everything decide to cut ties and walk away from me. When I was 16 I lost my great-grandmother who was and still is my second favorite family member. I lost a handful of friends when I was in high school.

But the most painful experience that I have is when my step mom and step sisters just left me standing in the rubble of what my life had been for the last 10 years. I was 17 when my dad and step mom divorced. And I was 17 when my step mom and step sisters just walked away. I didn't know what to do. For 10 years I had two older sisters, and then all of the sudden, I did not.

I drifted away from people when I left for college. And now that I am done with college, I am sure there will be people I drift away from there.

People leave and sometimes, I leave. That's the lesson that life has taught me since I was a little girl. It's the lesson that life continues to teach me. This lesson is not easy. I don't even think that it is any kind of close to healthy. It has taught me to keep people at a distance, because the further the distance, the easier it is to let them walk away. I expect people to leave me.

I expect that at the end of the day, I will be left to myself and my dog. I expect that no one will be there for me when I am a mess and I need someone to listen to the outcries of my heart. I am very used to drying my own tears and I have mastered how to cry without making a sound. I have a hard time trusting others because I have learned that at the end of the day, that person will probably walk away. At this point, y'all are probably thinking that I am cynical and dark. And maybe I am. But this what life has taught me-- to build walls.

It is only recently that the Holy Spirit has been softening my heart and breaking down those walls I built when I was a little girl. God has to be patient with me because I always try to pick up those bricks and build my wall again. And when the time is right, He gently knocks those bricks down again. And slowly, the wall becomes smaller and smaller. I have hope that someday that wall will be completely gone and the bricks will be cast into the sea to never be seen again.

The Father is slowly teaching me that He will not leave me. And I am slowly learning to trust him fully. It's not easy, but I am slowly unlearning this painful lesson.

This lesson is a fear that I have developed. And if I am a child of God, I am no longer a slave to fear. That means the God's grace and mercy will always win. That my faith will CRUSH fear and there will come a day when I am no longer building this wall. Where I no longer expect people to leave me.

And oh, I can NOT wait for that day!