An open letter about my anxiety
To whoever is reading this,
I want to take a second and explain what my anxiety does and what it feels like. Before I start, you should know that anxiety affects people differently and just because anxiety affects me in this way does not mean that it is affecting your loved one or you in the same way.
First, my anxiety causes me to overthink and over analyze every single thing. From the words I’m looking at on my screen to wondering why I’m right handed and so are you but yet our handwriting is different (Why is that?). Anxiety makes it so that my brain is never ever quiet. It never shuts up no matter how much I beg it to. Overthinking and over analyzing everything is exhausting and I wish I could stop doing it. But it’s like my brain becomes obsessed with figuring out an answer. So I ask questions that annoy people I love and I search google until I have clicked every link on the first 3-5 search pages.
Second, anxiety ruins my relationships with people I love and care about the most. Anxiety pushes people away and it makes people resent me. This part of anxiety especially breaks my heart. Because I hate that I do things out of anxiety that hurt other people. Like I ask the same questions over and over. And I hate that I do it. I try not to do it. But like I said that overthinking steps in. And the most that I can do is post pone asking a question for a few hours or a day. And anxiety ruins my relationships and it freaking sucks. Because I hate aniety. I hate having it and I can’t stop it. I’ve tried.
Third, anxiety makes me overly sensitive and emotional. It makes me take things personally. I don’t know how to not take things personally. I take your harshest words and your kindest words to heart with the same intensity. Anxiety makes me cry all the time. It makes me have mood swings and it makes me freak out.
Fourth, anxiety is the biggest critic I hear in my ears. It reminds of of that one thing I did 5 years ago that was a mistake. I said the wrong thing. And I’m not kidding. Sometimes I just think about that one thing I said in my freshman year of college in the hallways of my dorm at like midnight after a football game that cause someone else to react badly. And when I think about that I feel the shame I felt in that moment all over again.
Fifth, anxiety brings up my past. Anxiety not only reminds me of that one conversation I had with I was 11 years old, it also reminds me of all the people that have hurt me. It reminds me of all the people who have walked away from me. It reminds me of people who were toxic to me. And it makes me think that I am the one to blame for those situations.
Sixth, anxiety makes me selfish. Anxiety makes me think that everyone is making fun of me or think about that thing I said 5 years ago in the hallway of my freshman dorm around midnight after a football game. Chances are, no one who was there that night thinks about that like I do. They probably don’t even remember me saying it. Anxiety makes me think that others think about me way more than they actually do. Anxiety makes me think that I am important enough that others remember when I screw up even in the slightest. And I’m not that important. I worry about me and how others see me more than others worry about me.
Seventh, anxiety makes me over apologize. Anxiety makes me want to people please and that means I want everyone to like me and I don’t want people mad at me. So I will apologize. A lot. I’ll apologize when is it needed, probably 12 times. And I’ll also apologize when it’s not needed about 3 times. Sometimes I’ll just say sorry out of no where. And sometimes that means I am apologizing for my overthinking when you have no clue what is going on inside my head.
Eighth, anxiety sometimes makes me have a panic attack. It takes away my breath, it causes me to hyperventilate, makes me shake, I get lightheaded. It’s even sent me to the ER thinking that something was wrong with my heart. After IV fluids, 3 blood tests, and 5 hours later I was given paperwork saying I was fine.
Ninth, anxiety makes me google every physical symptom that I have. It makes me think that I am having a stroke when I simply have a headache. And a pain in my right side is automatically my appendix. It’s stupid, I know, but is what my anxiety does to me.
Tenth, last but not least, anxiety makes somethings just downright hard. It makes me feel like I’m too much of not enough depending on the situation. It makes me feel unloved. It makes me insecure. It makes me hypervilligent. It makes me overthink. It makes me push people away. It makes me hold on to people tightly.
Anxiety is stupid and hard and I hate it. I hate my anxiety as much as, if not more than the people who love me hate it. I know it gets hard to deal with for the people in my life. I know it gets to be annoying. I know that it’s hard for some people to understand. I know that it makes me jump to conclusions and makes me overly emotional and dramatic. But please know I’m trying. It’s not easy as I’ll nver be perfect at controlling it all the time, but I’m trying. And I’m learning. And if you see me making progress with it, feel free to let me know. There’s a very good chance I can’t see that progress.
If you’re someone I am close to and you experience my anxiety on a regular basis, I’m sorry how hard it can be to be on the other side. And I’m sorry that it seems like I can’t stop and won’t stop overthinking, I can’t sometimes. And I also want to thank you for your never ending patience and for sticking by my side, no matter how anxious I become. You’re awesome and I love you more than you know. I’m incredibly blessed to have those people in my life that jump in my pit with me when I can’t get out.
I want to take a second and explain what my anxiety does and what it feels like. Before I start, you should know that anxiety affects people differently and just because anxiety affects me in this way does not mean that it is affecting your loved one or you in the same way.
First, my anxiety causes me to overthink and over analyze every single thing. From the words I’m looking at on my screen to wondering why I’m right handed and so are you but yet our handwriting is different (Why is that?). Anxiety makes it so that my brain is never ever quiet. It never shuts up no matter how much I beg it to. Overthinking and over analyzing everything is exhausting and I wish I could stop doing it. But it’s like my brain becomes obsessed with figuring out an answer. So I ask questions that annoy people I love and I search google until I have clicked every link on the first 3-5 search pages.
Second, anxiety ruins my relationships with people I love and care about the most. Anxiety pushes people away and it makes people resent me. This part of anxiety especially breaks my heart. Because I hate that I do things out of anxiety that hurt other people. Like I ask the same questions over and over. And I hate that I do it. I try not to do it. But like I said that overthinking steps in. And the most that I can do is post pone asking a question for a few hours or a day. And anxiety ruins my relationships and it freaking sucks. Because I hate aniety. I hate having it and I can’t stop it. I’ve tried.
Third, anxiety makes me overly sensitive and emotional. It makes me take things personally. I don’t know how to not take things personally. I take your harshest words and your kindest words to heart with the same intensity. Anxiety makes me cry all the time. It makes me have mood swings and it makes me freak out.
Fourth, anxiety is the biggest critic I hear in my ears. It reminds of of that one thing I did 5 years ago that was a mistake. I said the wrong thing. And I’m not kidding. Sometimes I just think about that one thing I said in my freshman year of college in the hallways of my dorm at like midnight after a football game that cause someone else to react badly. And when I think about that I feel the shame I felt in that moment all over again.
Fifth, anxiety brings up my past. Anxiety not only reminds me of that one conversation I had with I was 11 years old, it also reminds me of all the people that have hurt me. It reminds me of all the people who have walked away from me. It reminds me of people who were toxic to me. And it makes me think that I am the one to blame for those situations.
Sixth, anxiety makes me selfish. Anxiety makes me think that everyone is making fun of me or think about that thing I said 5 years ago in the hallway of my freshman dorm around midnight after a football game. Chances are, no one who was there that night thinks about that like I do. They probably don’t even remember me saying it. Anxiety makes me think that others think about me way more than they actually do. Anxiety makes me think that I am important enough that others remember when I screw up even in the slightest. And I’m not that important. I worry about me and how others see me more than others worry about me.
Seventh, anxiety makes me over apologize. Anxiety makes me want to people please and that means I want everyone to like me and I don’t want people mad at me. So I will apologize. A lot. I’ll apologize when is it needed, probably 12 times. And I’ll also apologize when it’s not needed about 3 times. Sometimes I’ll just say sorry out of no where. And sometimes that means I am apologizing for my overthinking when you have no clue what is going on inside my head.
Eighth, anxiety sometimes makes me have a panic attack. It takes away my breath, it causes me to hyperventilate, makes me shake, I get lightheaded. It’s even sent me to the ER thinking that something was wrong with my heart. After IV fluids, 3 blood tests, and 5 hours later I was given paperwork saying I was fine.
Ninth, anxiety makes me google every physical symptom that I have. It makes me think that I am having a stroke when I simply have a headache. And a pain in my right side is automatically my appendix. It’s stupid, I know, but is what my anxiety does to me.
Tenth, last but not least, anxiety makes somethings just downright hard. It makes me feel like I’m too much of not enough depending on the situation. It makes me feel unloved. It makes me insecure. It makes me hypervilligent. It makes me overthink. It makes me push people away. It makes me hold on to people tightly.
Anxiety is stupid and hard and I hate it. I hate my anxiety as much as, if not more than the people who love me hate it. I know it gets hard to deal with for the people in my life. I know it gets to be annoying. I know that it’s hard for some people to understand. I know that it makes me jump to conclusions and makes me overly emotional and dramatic. But please know I’m trying. It’s not easy as I’ll nver be perfect at controlling it all the time, but I’m trying. And I’m learning. And if you see me making progress with it, feel free to let me know. There’s a very good chance I can’t see that progress.
If you’re someone I am close to and you experience my anxiety on a regular basis, I’m sorry how hard it can be to be on the other side. And I’m sorry that it seems like I can’t stop and won’t stop overthinking, I can’t sometimes. And I also want to thank you for your never ending patience and for sticking by my side, no matter how anxious I become. You’re awesome and I love you more than you know. I’m incredibly blessed to have those people in my life that jump in my pit with me when I can’t get out.
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