Vulnerability and a New Church.

Hi sweet friends,
I know that it has been a while. However, I have been in a season of changing winds. The last time I shared something from a very deep place within my heart, I was a mess (click here to read that post). I was in a deep place of hurt and confusion.

I left that post on a positive note. However, the next couple of weeks were not as positive as I was hoping that they would be. I continued to cry during church and I continued to feel alone while at that church. The first Sunday in June, I did get to go visit my church in Beaver County. But I also cried that day. Because I did not want to leave. I did not want to drive back to Blair County where I would continue to feel alone. The Sunday I visited my church, a wonderful, strong woman of faith wrapped her arms around me and spoke truth and encouragement over me. She told me that her mom said God revealed to her that I had to go back to Blair County so that God could show me that His grace is sufficient for me. And that there were some things that I needed to work through. This kind woman let me sob and cry. She let my heart be broken for a minute and all she did was comfort me. She placed no demands on me. She did not tell me to stop crying. She did not try to throw a blanket statement at me. She sat with me and let me feel the heartache I had been trying to hide. And she held me.

And then I had the absolute longest drive I have ever taken back to the center of the state. It poured. It rained. It sprinkled. But there was not too much sunshine on my way home. And that is exactly how my soul and heart were feeling. I decided that something needed to change. I needed a church family in Blair County as well. And I was not feeling like part of a family at the church I was attending in Blair County at the time. There were a few people that felt like family in that church, but there were far too many people that made me feel like a stranger and an outcast as well. (Nothing against this church by the way. This church has treated me very well. I started going there when I was only 12. I've been through a lot since becoming a Christian, and there were/ are a few people there that have walked with me through that. And for this, I am thankful. I have just changed over the past four years and so has the church).

About a month or so before I graduated college, I had been thinking about a church that I used to attend from time to time about 5 or 6 years prior. I had visited their website countless times as well as their Facebook page. There was a Pastor change very close to the time that I left for college. And there had just been one in January of this year. I was very nervous because no matter who was in this church now, it was not going to be my church family from TLC (Beaver County church). I believe that I texted one of the Pastor's at my Beaver County church and told her about my anxiety. And I know I told the wonderful woman who sat with me (see above). Both of these women encouraged me to go to the church and try it again.

So the following Sunday, I anxiously drove to this church. I anxiously entered through the front door because I was not sure if I could use the back door like I had in the past. I walked in and smiled at who I assumed was the Pastor's wife (based on the picture on their website) and I sat in a pew (I am fairly used to sitting alone in church). The Pastor's wife walked to the front of the church and explained that they had a hard time covering this Sunday service as the lead Pastor was on active duty. She explained that she would be speaking but was not used to speaking to a whole congregation. She seemed a little anxious to me. However, as soon as she started to speak, God started to calm my anxious heart. Her voice washed a peace over me that I had not felt in a while. After she finished speaking, she walked over to me and introduced herself. I left the church and updated my Beaver County family. I decided to go to the ladies ministry on Wednesday of that week. And return the following Sunday. This church is different than my Beaver County church and it is different than it was 5 or 6 years ago. But it is a good different. And friends, let me tell you, this church is a church that is going to do BIG things for God's Kingdom among the nations! HUGE things! (But this is a whole different post in itself. And maybe you will get that post in time).

Anyway, this is where I am at now: I have not cried because I miss my Beaver County church since I walked into this [Blair County] church on June 11th. The Holy Spirit has been releasing things in me and using me in bigger ways than I even know. God has laid visions on my heart about this church that line up with the visions the Pastor and his wife have had about the church. God has laid visions on their hearts about me-- things I don't even know because I guess it is not time that I know about them. I feel like I am at home away from home in this church. This church family is quickly beginning to remind me of my Beaver County church family. They are finding equal parts in my heart.

I still want to move back to Beaver County, but if I have to stay in Blair County for a while, I want to spend it being invested in this church. I love this church. I love this church family. I feel like family. "It is well with my soul" still does not run smoothly off of my tongue, but it is getting easier and easier to say. And the little sting of pain is starting to fade to a melancholy feeling of missing Beaver County. I am doing much better than I was when I shared that first post. I am working my way along the journey of heartache to peace.